Sunday, June 18, 2006

America is the greatest country in the world...

It's good to be back in the land of efficiency and customer service - a place where businesses do not close from 1pm-4pm every day and all day on Sundays, where water from the tap is safe for consumption, where taking a shower and running the dishwasher does not result in a 24-hour blackout, and where the bank takes 'ponsibility for the ATM that ate your debit card, rather than leaving you without a way to get cash for at least 2 weeks. By the second week of our trip I found myself condemning the "charming" intricacies of the European lifestyle with the passion of a disgruntled low-level government worker, drunkenly extolling the under-appreciated beauty of American currency, and gazing fondly upon a girl drinking a Budweiser at a small Italian bar with foolish and unabashed pride. Our return home was horrifying though, invovling 32 hours of travel (stretched out from what was supposed to be 21 hours), in which every single one of our flights was delayed EXCEPT the final one which was supposed to bring us home to Louisville, and which left promptly after our seats had been resold to stand-by passengers since we couldn't make it to the gate 10 minutes before departure time because we were still stuck on the plane coming in from New York, which left 2 hours late due to the mysterious absence of the entire Delta flight crew assigned to fly the plane.

Anyway, it's good to be back and the moral of the story is that America is the greatest country in the world and everyone wants to be us. Here's the proof: silly Germans

Aight, I'm going to go get in my mom's giant Land Rover and guzzle some gas on the way to Circuit City to buy my dad a Father's Day present while drinking a DIET coke (not Coke Light, mind you) filled with a ton of ice....all on a Sunday afternoon.


Blogger Scantron said...

God, I remember the feeling, coming back from Scotland, that I was gonna go straight to Chili's and order the biggest, unhealthiest plate ever WITH a big ol' drippy salad and wash it down with the world's largest Coca Cola, in a glass full of ICE. Welcome back.

12:29 PM  
Blogger The Sheriff said...

On a mutual friend of the blog's return from Cameroon, it is said that he became nearly hysterical with joy upon stepping foot into the first american convenience store, purchasing mints, candies, and many other small American fineries.

3:14 PM  
Blogger dchan said...

i remember getting the biggest kick out of taking a shower with actual water pressure and the fact that cigarettes cost less than the equivalent of $7.50/pack. oh, and the diversity! don't you guys just love how america's so diverse?

12:27 PM  
Blogger d'Mardree said...

Hey, they sure don't call us a "melting pot" for nothing! Ohh, that reminds me...have you guys ever been to The Melting Pot on the Loop? OMG it is SOOOOO good! It's a fondue restaurant, if you didn't know. Fondue is melted cheese that you dip things in...I know that because I'm like really cultured and I eat/talk about sophisticated things. One could say that I'm "Frenchified."

*Disclaimer*- I have never actually been to the Melting Pot. Fondue is for SAE/SigChi faggots.

2:04 PM  
Blogger Josh the Hippie Killer said...

I just came back from my cliché post-grad college backpacking trip through Europe, and this is what I’ve learned: EVERYONE shits on America/the American lifestyle. It’s not necessarily because they want to be us/live here, but because we are the most powerful nation in the world. Sort of like how every baseball fan hates the Yankees, but would never want to become a Yankees fan or have our team do what the Yankees do.

Why the USA is better than _______.
Spain: we don’t have prostitutes literally grabbing your clothes on your walk home at night begging you to pay them for sex.
France: when we go to restaurants and don’t eat all of our food, we do have the option of bringing our leftovers home in a doggy bag. Some French restaurants don’t.
Italy: we don’t have many Gypsies
The Netherlands: when walking down the street of our largest cities, you aren’t offered coke, ecstasy, or heroin multiple times an evening.

And here’s a little story. I was sitting next to this Aussie chick on a train (btw, trains suck and America rules!) and she was telling me about her trip to America. She commented on how American restaurant portions are very big (which they are) and asked us how we could eat so much. But here’s the kicker: the bitch who was saying this was pretty darn fat. Probably 5’5, 200. What a fucking hypocrite. Good thing we have none of those in our country…

5:29 PM  
Blogger The Sheriff said...

Hahaha, Gypsies...Oh those guys...

6:07 PM  
Blogger Scantron said...

Yeah, how much does Europe SUCK, right? Like, Europe has a pretty low birth rate. So they must be FUCKING a lot less than us, right? Ha! Aaaand, most Europeans have universal health care, which is of course COSTLY and INEFFECTIVE! Double ha! Wait in line for that kidney transplant a little longer there, ya limey! Aaand, Europeans tend to be a lot less religious than Americans, so they don't know the HEALING POWER of our LORD and SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST! Suck on that, You're-A-Peein's! God, I could play this game all day. Bring it on, you pasty, pale, bad-haircut-sportin', unhygienic, no-denim-wearin', turtleneck-bedecked Old Worlders!

7:23 PM  
Blogger The Sheriff said...

Socks and Sandals
Short shorts on pasty people
Those really nasty baseball/biking caps
Fanny Packs

12:46 AM  

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