Saturday, January 06, 2007

John B., Reviewer

From a review of a local Potbelly Sandwich Works:
The free cookies here really cheered me up on an otherwise depressing day. They are in a basket at the cash-register, sugar cookies and chocolate chip...while my ex-girlfriend paid for her vegetarian sandwhich I pocketed about two whole cookies-worth (they come in slices). The cook saw me, but the cashier didn't, and since he was running the place, it was all gravy. Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" came on over the muzak and the cook winked at me. Suddenly, things were going my way again. My ex-girlfriend started choking on her sandwhich, on the way out, which I didn't understand, since it was only made of vegetables, but what did I ever understand about her, or vegetables, in the first place? Some day I will come back to Potbelly's to buy a sandwhich...until then I will remember its feel-good atmosphere.

Thanks to Mardre for providing a link to this guy's profile. After reading his reviews for a half hour, I really feel enlivened and enlightened. This guy has a Mainesque writing style and a lot of time on his hands that he spends thoughtfully. It's a rare man that can contribute this much to society without doing much of anything at all.



Blogger d'Mardree said...

This guy has written a total of 332 reviews, many of which are also worth checking out:

*you have to drag the mouse waaaay over to the right to highlight the whole link

1:14 PM  
Blogger dchan said...

or you can just triple click it.

1:24 PM  
Blogger dchan said...

or maybe that's because i have a mac. btw my ipod is a tabula rasa due to an unfortunate disconnection. im taking recommendations for new music. anyone heard of that new 'plague songs' album (i guess 'new' as in it came out in october, but i just found out about it). scantron? anyone?

1:25 PM  
Blogger d'Mardree said...

nice a blogging goddess girl!

1:26 PM  
Blogger Josh the Hippie Killer said...

I had the same experience at a local Quizno's (which, in case you don't know, is a small sandwich shop only found in NYC. Just ask where the Sbarro's is, and you'll be right there).

And does the name 'Quizno's' infer that a person named Quizno opened the chain? What a strange name...

5:10 PM  
Blogger Austin 5-000 said...

Here's my favorite review, of Vitamin Shoppe:
Dear reader, i'd like to bring your attention to several exciting new formulas. I came across these products while shopping for some pharmaceutical grade fish oil at the Vitamin Shoppe.

Japanese Mushroom complex: this blend, nicknamed "nerve tonic" claims to improve brain function and neurotransmission. Take one heaping teaspoon along with a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. Looking for a complete, one-a-day vitamin? Forget about GNC's "mega men" and switch to vitamin shoppe's "Ultimate Man"! The most intriguing product I came across is something called "Muscle Milk," which is full of designer fats. In the future everyone can possess a designer body--start today by switching to designer fats and proteins.

Really this is just another shop geared toward fibromyalgiac housewives looking to cure their ennui and meatheads/Patrick Bateman types making the jump to human peacock status."

The guy knows about fish oil!

8:29 PM  
Blogger d'Mardree said...

his insistence on misspelling "sandwich" as "sandwhich" is really starting to get on my nerves...

12:58 AM  
Blogger Austin 5-000 said...

Another thing that I found amusing at first but am a bit sick of after reading maybe 150 reviews is his use of the word "dowager" for older women. It's funny, but not that funny.
I'm beginning to think this was an assignment for some course or something. He did at least 20 reviews on two separate days. I don't have the energy to read any more.

1:24 PM  
Blogger Scantron said...

Just look at all the reviews he did on 12/10/06. He can't possibly have been to all those places in one day. In that case, he is doing them from memory, automatically making his opinions suspect. On the other hand, where has he NOT been in DC? He's nothing if not well-traveled.

Also, is anyone else a bit freaked out by the fact that the Blogger comments pages now have the little Google "G" at the top? Will it one day be stamped upon our own servile foreheads?

9:45 PM  
Blogger Scantron said...

Plus, although he is already Person of the Year (if he has bothered to peer into the cover of Time magazine), John B. really should have been interviewed. He's at the forefront of the web 2.0 revolution.

9:47 PM  

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